November 1, 2010

A Blurb of Mice & Men

I've always thought of Life, of Reality, of this Existence, as an aggressor- like some schoolyard bully who sees the happiness, dreams, and hopes of other children and decides to trip each and every one simply for the joy of watching them fall. Because it seems like every time I have some semblance of control, some sense of orchestration, or scintilla of personal power, something happens to knock me to the ground. It completely invalidates all of the effort, time, and willpower I've put into getting all my "ducks" in a "row." And I hate that.

But it just seems to be how this thing called life works.

So what are we supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? If I can't control my life, how am I supposed to live it? Should I just put down the remote control and settle with watching whatever happens to be on? What if it's a soap opera? I can't stand soap operas. I'd prefer pretty much anything to a soap opera, aside from "celebrity news." Although the two are more than a tad synonymous, to be frank.

I'm talking about more than a mere TV show, though, obviously. I'm talking about the powerless feeling I, and many others, get whenever things are beyond my control. When I feel shoved around by the bully named "Life," when he pushes me down and rubs my face in the dirty gravel, shouting, I imagine, in triumphant and violent victory. No matter how far ahead I try and look, something always happens to spoil that vision. Nothing seems safe- not my vision for my career, not my vision for my family, not my vision for love, not my vision for my friends, nothing. This whole deal of simply existing is already strange and foreign enough without external circumstances and situations jarring my carefully-crafted balance.

So, I ask again, what should I do? And who am I expecting to answer that question? Is there even an answer?

I guess it's something I will be perpetually be coming to terms with... The energy I lend to planning, as well-intentioned and orderly as it may be, is so often rendered useless by the inevitable entropy and changes of leading a human life. In that light, in the reality of that truth, maybe the energy I devote to the future should be redirected to, instead, coping with the present. Maybe I should spend my time and investments on dealing with what actually happens, not on dealing with what I want to happen, or what I think will happen.

But that's easy to say- not to do. What does it even look like? I mean, to a certain extent we have to plan ahead, we need to organize our future... Right? But maybe I need to stop finding my value in my ideas for my future. Perhaps I should appraise myself by who I am now, and not who I could (or could not) be. Maybe I can change my relationship with the present, with this existence that we have been forced to wear. Maybe "Life" isn't the bully I so often picture. It could be that life is more like a seeing-eye dog leading a blind person. Yes, it's unexpected, even alarming, when the dog moves abruptly, when it jerks or stops suddenly, but the blind person can rest in the knowledge that the dog is able to see and navigate where they cannot. And there's no point to a seeing-eye dog if the blind person is trying to pretend it isn't there. Maybe I could try and be appreciative of those adjustments, instead of attempting to anticipate them.

After all, the plans of both mice and men are, equally, naught but haphazard to the divine eye, to the grander sense of actuality, to the all-discerning and truly perfect will of God.


Laura B said...

Love seeing the process of Life growing in you. Love that you are sharing Life. Love that you have Life. Love that you know that Life exists and has purpose.

Keep sharing. I think it is part of Life... to share what He brings our way and to help those around us.

heather said...

You created a picture, a picture in 3-D, and I can appreciate the challenge in changing one's perspective. It is difficult. It is hard to know the answers, or even where to get the answers. Maybe what matters is that we keep seeking? Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your heart.

Anonymous said...

Hm. Intriguing.